Two People Togwther Again in Death
C arole Henderson was just 40 when she lost her married man Kevin to skin cancer in 2006. Every bit she struggled with the pain of her partner's death, she found that her social life was showtime to disappear. "So many people didn't know how to act effectually me or said silly, hurtful things."
Eighteen months on, she was ready to outset dating again. "I had reached the point where I loved Kevin, but was no longer in love with him," she says. "I wasn't looking for a husband, but I was lonely and wanted to enjoy male company."
Having met Kevin when she was a teenager, however, she found jumping back into the dating puddle a daunting experience. Many men were put off by the fact she had been widowed, besides. She enjoyed a yr-long relationship with another widower, but it wasn't until 2012, six years after losing Kevin, that she started dating Ian, whom she has since married. They were friends earlier a relationship began to develop.
"Initially, I was so excited; I didn't call up too much well-nigh her previous relationship and how that could affect us," says Ian. As his feelings for Carole grew, though, he had a few concerns. Seeing pictures of Kevin around the house was a fleck intimidating, and he was nervous virtually meeting Kevin's family, with whom Carole maintained a close relationship. "In the stop, information technology turned out my imagination was far from reality. They were lovely, and I retrieve they were just pleased to run into Carole happy over again."
It helped that Carole was so open with him. Nothing was out of premises. He quickly became comfortable asking questions about her past.
"When we started dating, I was divorced and I felt I had made a lot of mistakes," he says. "Carole is very emotionally astute and she encouraged me to practise some of the Grief Recovery Method. Information technology helped me to manage my own insecurities and emotions much ameliorate." Carole discovered this program, which is designed to help people come to terms with loss, afterward Kevin died. She has since become a senior trainer and managing manager of the United kingdom of great britain and northern ireland team.
When their relationship became more serious, Ian moved in to Carole's house, but he says he never felt entirely at home surrounded by the furniture and paintings that she had chosen with Kevin. After talking things through, they decided to motility to create a home together.
"There are still pictures of Kevin in our firm, just, although he's a presence, I don't feel threatened," says Ian. "I'm grateful to Kevin, because it's made Carole who she is. She wouldn't be the woman I fell in love with if she hadn't had that experience."
But other couples notice that accepting the past isn't quite every bit simple. Joanna met her partner Colin (both names have been changed) on a dating website, 13 months after her husband died of cancer in early on 2017. "When John was ill, he told me he wanted me to move on after he died and then that I could be happy once again. He said he wanted someone else to see my optics sparkle."
She and Colin hit it off from the moment they met, but she says he struggles to come to terms with the fact she has been widowed. "John and I had been together for six years and he was my soulmate. I call up Colin felt like he was in competition."
Social media has made life harder, as it brings up then many memories. "On ane occasion, Colin came across some old Facebook photos, which really upset him, because it was evidence of how much John and I adored each other. He told me he wasn't certain if he could live up to John – and that's when his insecurities began to affect our human relationship." She says he has never felt comfortable meeting John'due south family and didn't want to visit her previous habitation, which she had shared with her hubby.
Although it can be hard, Joanna works hard to put herself in Colin's shoes and talk to him about how he is feeling. "I care securely for Colin. Yous can't compare two relationships, because they're 2 totally unlike people. It's like having more than one kid. You can love more than i person in your lifetime." She says she is no less happy than she was – simply "a dissimilar kind of happy".
Respecting former and current partners is a balancing act for many widows. Carole says that while she celebrates Kevin's memory on special days, she doesn't talk about him all the time, because that would be disrespectful to Ian. Equally well as avoiding comparisons, she says it is important to retrieve your previous partner in a realistic way. "There's a tendency to view someone who'south died through rose-tinted spectacles, which tin can be hard for a new partner. I loved Kevin deeply and he was a fantastic man, but he wasn't perfect."
When anyone starts a relationship, particularly later in life, it is not unusual for jealousy to surface. We all conduct emotional baggage, whether or not bereavement is role of it. But Carole and Ian's attitude proves it is possible to respect the by without comparing it with the present.
For Thomas Dowds and Moira Stockman, who married earlier this year, jealousy has never been an issue. When they met, they had both been widowed, which they say made it easier to talk nigh their former partners.
"My family and I were on holiday in Florida in 2022 when my wife Rhonda suffered a sudden cardiac arrest," says Thomas. He attempted CPR and an ambulance was chosen, but there wasn't anything they could do. In the weeks that followed, he says, in that location was no opportunity for him to grieve, because he was trying to stay stiff for their 2 girls, who were seven and 9.
After the dust settled and his well-wishers went dorsum to their normal lives, Thomas sought counselling to assistance him to cope with his loss. He also joined Widowed and Young, a charity support group for widows and widowers in the UK. "I concluded up making friends with Moira and it felt practiced to talk to someone who was in the aforementioned boat. She'd lost her husband to leukaemia several years earlier and had two children effectually the same age as mine."
Following Rhonda'due south death, Thomas's girls were reluctant to talk about their mum, for fearfulness of upsetting him. But meeting Moira's children meant they were able to open upward for the commencement fourth dimension and talk virtually their shared experiences.
"When Rhonda passed abroad, I thought I'd never want to detect love again. Every bit well equally dealing with grief, I was so scared of losing another person that I loved." But after a calendar month of getting to know Moira, those feelings began to change. "We had so much in common that information technology progressed naturally into a relationship and it felt completely right."
Moira, whose partner Alastair died when her children were toddlers, says they were aware they needed to accept the relationship slowly. Although the iv children got on brilliantly, her eldest son struggled to come to terms with the idea of her and Thomas equally a couple, considering he was worried almost losing his mum to him. "With lots of support and counselling, he came round to the idea of u.s. being together. One solar day he told me that he knew Thomas was a good man, and I think that was a real turning point for us."
The couple say that talking most their past relationships is an important part of their marriage and helps the children to sympathise where they came from. Rather than "Mum" and "Dad", "his children telephone call me Moira and mine call him Thomas, because we want to be respectful to Rhonda and Alastair," says Moira. "They might be gone, but they'll always be their parents."
Thomas adds that being widowed has taught him to enjoy every happy moment and stop sweating the small-scale stuff. It is a common philosophy among those who have experienced loss. Although he knows he and other widowers will always feel deplorable about the loss of their partners, finding dear again has given him a new lease of life. "Our children are really happy for united states, and it has helped them open up up about their own feelings of bereavement. It feels like nosotros've taken 2 cleaved families and made them whole again."
Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/22/you-can-love-more-than-one-person-in-your-lifetime-dating-after-a-partners-death
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